Welcome to Wonderland

I told them readers would love this shot! Ha

I spend 2 days last week in Fruita for Trek Demo Days. It was pretty sweet, definitely a destination to go to ride. The day before we got there one of our trek reps was riding and fell and cracked the ball of his hip bone so I wasn't really sure what I'd be getting into. At the trailhead I turned to my roommate and said "I'm a little nervous, I don't want to crash." He replied, "you don't have to crash." Logic wins again. It was amusing because I did more riding in those 2 days than I have the past 3 months. It was a good nurturing environment to get back out there. I tried the Lush 29 which has larger sizing than the standard Lush and larger wheels. I definitely fit better on it than the Lush but still felt a little upright and didn't feel that it was aggressive enough but maybe that's because I wasn't being aggressive enough. I'm definitely still passive on descents but I don't think my mother is complaining. I also went on a road ride with the two Trek Demo Drivers, Josh and Erin and my roommate. I tried the new road bike the Domane which was a little bit more comfortable than the Madone line but still stiff and responsive. We only went about 90 minutes but I poked Erin's brain for a good portion on all things bikes and her job (she drives around the country teaching women to ride mountain bikes). I also got a flat which I'm glad it was only a flat because as it was happening I thought my front wheel had come lose and I was about to become roadkill. I tried 2 other mountain bikes, the Rumblefish Elite and the Superfly 100. I wasn't a fan of the Rumblefish, it seemed a little sluggish and I couldn't do a wheelie on it (which is a very important element in being able to show off to boys). The Superfly 100 is like the older brother to my bike and I didn't want to ride it because I didn't want to like it but boy oh boy did I. It was super light and super responsive and super fun. The only problem is that it's full suspension and I'm too young to be on one. I didn't crash the whole time I was there but I was climbing through a fence with barbed wire on it and my hips were sooo tight from riding my leg got stuck when I was halfway through and I jabbed it into one of the barbs, luckily someone was there to pick it off, otherwise I might have been stuck for a while. I got a nice cut and some bruising to go with it. If it's not one thing, it's another.

I got the best coffee of my life in St. Louis

I decided when I was in Fruita to go back and see my doctor. I just want to get checked out and make sure I'm still on the path to recovery. See the other day I was driving to work and missed my exit, because I couldn't remember where I needed to get off. I only drive that route almost everyday. I went to St. Louis for the weekend before Fruita and it was only when my mom called to let me know to check my debit card because there had been purchases made in Kansas and Missouri did I realize I forgot to tell her. I went to Redbox to rent a movie and forgot the movie. Now I know that these can all be chalked up to old age. The one that gets me though is I have a hard time remembering the past year. It's like I woke up thinking it was July 15, 2011 and have continued on from that date. I can't seem to get to 2012. It's like everything from July 15, 2011 to July 31, 2012 has been cut out and the time has been squished together. I do remember certain events especially when I read about them or someone mentions something but I can't place them on the time table without it feeling like it's in a dream. Wayne thinks I should just get more concussions that way I keep getting younger. I'm not expecting anything bad on the report just want to make sure it's relatively normal, maybe it's not a bad thing I forgot the past year. Ha 

Molly and Abe had a Halloween party on Friday night and they dressed up as the Red Queen and the Mad Hatter, so it was only fitting when they found a costume at the thrift store for 7 dollars for me to go as Alice. Molly and Abe go all out, it's actually really impressive and if you can make it to one of their parties you should definitely put it on your list of things to do before you die. All the big shots were there, Fred and Wilma; Mt. Dew; Breaking Amish; a Pumpkin; a Pirate; and a Gorilla (or one of the Beehlers, not Kathy or Heidi though). Saturday night my work was having a Halloween cruiser ride and the theme was Vikings (not the football team, although I did consider going as a Vikings Cheerleader). I decided it would be funny to go as a Viking Lego so spent on and off that day working on my costume but had a back up of an 80s prom queen outfit. I told one of my coworkers I wanted to be an 80s prom queen and he asked "for Halloween or just in life" I said both. I couldn't quite get the lego box to work and didn't want to half-ass it so decided to scratch it and rock the 80s so I did my hair but it just didn't feel right so I went as Alice again. I figured it was fitting because in the weeks leading up to Halloween I've been watching Alice in Wonderland and have found most days I feel like Alice. 

See in the movie the characters argue if it's "the right Alice" that has come to Wonderland, if she is after all the one that will fight the Jabberwocky. She goes through all these changes that causes discomfort and frustration she finds herself either too big or too small and struggles to maintain a normal size. She can't find logic or meaning in some of the situations she encounters and has do all these puzzles that prove to be rather meaningless or have no purpose. Most of the story takes place in Alice's dream where real world elements mix with her unconscious state. She faces pressures to conform to society's expectations but instead grows into a strong-willed, empowered heroine who decides her own fate. 

I think most 20-somethings can relate to Alice, here we are trying to figure out life and the curve balls it has thrown us which we might not ever know the logical reason for getting thrown them. Not to mention trying to figure out just what we want to do with our lives without succumbing to what we think others want us to be. I wrote down a list of all the careers I have ever thought of doing, even if just briefly and realize they only have one thing in common: Me. I'm not sure where that leads me but I'm not worried about it, since the accident I get a whole extra year of life. I also like the element of the dream state in Alice especially because it reminds me of the time when I was knocked out, minus the cat and queens, I haven't gotten quiet the same answers that Alice got...well at least not yet. So you can see why I thought it was fitting to be Alice both nights, well that and the bloomers were super comfy and when else can I get away with wearing them (except for next year when I'm Little Bo Peep).
 

One of the greatest pleasures of life is searching after one's own heart

Thy Will Be Done

My mom says that this is the hardest prayer to pray. It's not about what you want it's about what you need. Which when it comes to Leadville and life in general it can be a hard one. 

Two weeks ago my mom sent me an email to say my grandfather was going to be in surgery, a pretty routine surgery to remove plague from his artery. He had it done a few times before. I didn't think much of it and had a day off coming up so starting planning my first mountain bike ride. My mom called that night to tell me that surgery didn't exactly go as planned, instead of one piece of plague there were two and instead of taking an hour it took three. When he got out of surgery he suffered a stroke. It still didn't really hit me that it was bad, I've interned in hospitals and spent time in surgery wards and I have a lot of faith in the medical community. Especially because he was in a hospital when it happened so they could respond to it right away. Tuesday night I finished writing and painting my nails and had the next day off, I figured I would go ride up at Leadville because it might be the last week of nice weather. I got a call from my mom saying that they were making him comfortable, which is never what you want to hear. She said they were going to stop his dialysis, and that I should start praying that "thy will be done" because he's had a long good life and it's okay if it's his time to go. I asked her if I should come home, and she said she would never tell me not to but it was up to me. The decision weighed heavily on me to go back, I finally decided that I didn't want my last memory of him to be in the hospital, instead I would leave it with him sitting in his living room chair talking about Leadville with him. I decided to stick with my plan to go back to Leadville. 

Even with the back flexibility of Shawn Johnson this was still not comfortable

I went to ride the same route that I did the day I crashed, I knew if I didn't do it this season it would be harder to get back up there this spring, or on a bike for that matter. It's interesting though how this crash compares to the car crash, I really don't have any PTSD symptoms related to this one and I really think that it's because I have no memory of it so I'm not having to relive it every time a similar scenario happens like sometimes it does with cars. I knew I needed to tell someone where I was going but didn't want to add stress to my parents fretting about me being out there alone. I texted my roommate to tell him "I'm riding up at Columbine, if you haven't heard from me by 3 something bad happened." I rode without my Garmin and heart rate monitor and only a watch so I would know to check in by 3 but I don't want to get obsessive about numbers so figured I could do without the other things. Because my stem was bent I swapped it out but the only one I could find was a 75mm instead of my 90mm. It created quiet the neck-breaker geometry but I figured I would lower my seat on the way down this time. 

This is what did me in.....yah

"X" marks the spot!

I started riding and passed the campsite that I took shelter at on the day of the crash when it had started raining. Around the bend from that is actually where I crashed, it's embarrassing how uneventful the place is where I crashed. I didn't want to stop on the way up because it had only been about a mile so decided I would stop on the way down, this time by choice. I rode up to the top and stopped to walk around and lower my seat. I also ate a banana in case the crash was from diabetic shock (not that I'm diabetic but I've always been overly cautious of developing it, like one week in college I would wake up 2 or 3 times to pee at night and thought that I had it, I told Molly but she said to call her when I went into diabetic shock, I later realized I was just drinking an obnoxious amount of water, but still better to be safe). I started the way back down and was a little disappointed I didn't really have any flash back moments like they do in the movies (if only my life was scripted too...sigh) I stopped at the area of the crash and got off to walk around like I did in my dream. It was weirdly familiar, I sat on the log I did in my dream. I would have thought it really did happen that day but for the fact that some of the people that were in my dream have already died and some of the other people live miles away. (Kidding about the dead people being there, there was only one, but I don't think I'm crazy and I don't think I had an afterlife experience- I think my subconscious took note of my surroundings and then relayed them into my dream.) 

When I got done I checked in with my roommate he asked how it went, and I said good, pretty uneventful but it was good. He then asked, "Where is Columbine?" I said, "You know the place I crashed up at Leadville." Yah it's a good thing I survived- here I was trying to be responsible, next time I'll just leave GPS coordinates.

The next morning my mom was on the way to the hospital when she called to tell me my grandpa had passed on. I hadn't left for work yet so took some time to get somewhat composed (mainly wipe the makeup that had gone all over my face off) and then went off to work. My mom called me again when I was driving and told me there was a miscommunication and he wasn't dead (I'm really not sure how that gets lost in translation) by then she was at the hospital and was able to put the phone up to his ear so I could tell him I loved him. He passed on about an hour later, however, it was about another hour after that before they told me. I think they wanted to make sure it was for real this time, that's not exactly news you want to mess up....again...

I flew home 2 days later and stayed for about 5, which as horrible as it was it was nice to be with family and friends and spend some time up there. During the funeral I was sitting there thinking of all the things he had accomplished, he crammed a lot into 90 years, probably what it would take most to do in two or three lifetimes. The span of lives he touched is enormous and the legacy he leaves behind is what legends are made of. I sat there thinking I want to be like that, so I came to the conclusion that I should stop doing reckless things, so I at least have a shot at reaching 90, mainly just take up knitting, reading and the occasional crossword, nothing too crazy like Sudoku. It's one thing to die and leave your family when you're 90, but another to go when you're 23 because you crash riding your bike. I was all ready to hang up my helmets, retire from racing (haha) find a nice boy, finish my masters, and lay stake on a house with a white picket fence and call it good. After the burial we were loitering around and close to the last to leave I started walking back to the car with my mom when she put her arm around me and said "he loved hearing about all your adventures, even the ones that drove me crazy." Game on.

I don't think it's a coincidence that Leadville 2013 is on his birthday.

Everyone Has Their Own Destiny, but Not Everyone Chooses To Follow it

The circus is calling!

I haven't written in a while because I keep thinking I'm going to get back on my bike so I should wait till that happens. Well it's not so the least I can do is update you on my life now that the glitter has worn off from Disneyland. I thought I would ride when I went back to my parents last week, as H-town is pretty safe traffic wise and nothing really technical mountain. But I didn't want to go out by myself, it's not that I'm worried about crashing so much I'm worried about crashing by myself again and taking another 6 years off my parents lives as a result. So the only bikes I have been on at this point is my baby bike, which I ride around at work (it compliments the tall bike well) and helps to keep my hips loose (nothing like Mary Clair's "birthing hips" but pretty good for me). And my cruiser, well actually my roommates cruiser, mostly. I have the same one but mine is pink (although I'm sure Ross from Friends would argue it's "salmon") and his is silver and has black pegs so I usually take it so people think I'm a badass even when I wear a skirt (which I've actually found why they make women's bike with slopping toptubes, so do you don't flash someone when wearing a skirt and getting off your bike, those little life lessons that are rather important). He's not riding it much so I figure why not, all I need is a fake tattoo arm sleeve to give me real street credit. 

The most BAs you've ever seen right?

I know that I'm ready to bike though, like last time when I was sitting in Russian class and heard cmertb (death) and knew it was time to get back on the bike. Only this time it was a UPS guy who set me off. See I finally ordered a helmet specifically for mountain biking, it's black and I think it will serve me well. When he walked into the store with my box I was immediately overcome with excitement, so much so that I could not contain it and skipped up to meet him. I professed "I get to ride my bike now!" he didn't exactly share my enthusiasm. I figured that was a good sign. I also switched out my stem because it was bent, which threw the handlebars off. It made me feel better that there was some damage to the bike (I'm glad it wasn't a lot) like maybe I didn't sacrifice my body to save my bike but we were in the crash together. (Is it problematic how much I humanize my bikes?) Now I just have to ride. Stay tuned...

Let me fill you in on what has happened, and then hasn't. 
I bought a new computer...and then returned it.
I started class at DU...and then dropped it. 
See I bought the new computer because with going back to school Apple had a student promo. Nothing was terribly wrong with my computer, it's a little old and it's nickname in college was Terry, because if it's not plugged into a power outsource it dies...I know sooo inappropriate (but a little funny?). But nothing really wrong. And I returned it after I dropped my class, because I felt bad getting a discount and not being a student anymore....I really can't afford to do anything that compromises my karma these days. 
The class at DU was Global Health Affairs, which I'm really interested in but it didn't sit too well that it was in the International School and I would be required to get a masters in that field while only getting the certificate in GH. After having a lack-luster major in college I want to be excited about my Masters. I actually found a program at CU in the Public Health School that I'm really excited about and applied into that to start in the spring. 

I was also a little anxious about starting class as I still have some memory lapses and have some issues speaking that I'm hoping are the result of the concussion and not the fact that I'm getting old (I'm 2 years away from being a quarter done with my life). It takes me a little longer to formulate sentences that are fluid and I put abnormally awkward pauses in that would make Mrs. Rowley cringe. The only other repercussion that has seemed to linger, well not so much linger but more enhance a problem that was already there is my complete lack of direction. I still have no idea what streets run parallel and which are perpendicular to my house. I've had to dismiss phone calls to get on google maps and then only to find out I'm 2 blocks from my house. I'm not sure that will get better, but I wouldn't be upset if it did. 

I've also been running and swimming more. I really like swimming, well more like I like it after I'm done swimming but I would recommend it to everyone. Running is good I usually stick to 30-45 minutes but I'm not really time obsessive about anything these days so I just run until I don't want to anymore. Hopefully I don't end up like Forrest Gump. I was thinking the other night when I was running how when I couldn't run, biking was there for me and when biking is on pause, running is there. Maybe one day they'll both be on and I'll do a triathlon- HA! Because we all know how well I train for running events...

You will not regret this decision.

I've also been reading more (I don't know if anything can beat a book in a park). Recently I've read "How to be a Woman" by Caitlin Moran (pronounced Cat-lin, she misread a name when she was a kid and has kept it up for 27 years, as her real name is Catherine) and while I don't think I'm much closer to landing a date after finishing it, one thing she said stuck with me. She lives her life like there is no Heaven. Not that she doesn't believe in a higher being but rather she argues we get complacent because we believe there will be another chance waiting in Heaven. To make amends with someone, to tell them how you really feel, to have a second chance. We take life more like a waiting room for the bountiful feast that awaits on the other side. What if it's not waiting wouldn't that change how you lived? If we don't do it right this time, well have a chance to fix it on the other side. I was reminded of this when I was flipping through my photos when I was backing up Terry, and I saw all the pictures from my training rides, I rode in some beautiful scenery, but I'm not sure I ever really saw it. And then I realized I get to do it all again, better this time and I didn't have to die to get my second chance. I'm a pretty lucky girl.

And I can't wait.

Hakuna Matata

I had planned to write about suffering but I couldn't really get into a flow. I tried, really. For almost a week because I had come across this article about suffering and passion in bicycling magazine. Which spurred me into thinking about my brief relationship with Latin, because one of the few words I remember is Pati, which means suffer. (Maybe had I actually stuck with one language instead of taking 3 different ones I might remember more than a few words in each. It's like I met each one at a bar and after a brief encounter realized a long-term relationship wasn't worth pursuing...). The article says that suffering and passion both stem from the word Pati. It stated that "suffering is essential to the beauty and mystery of the sport." I really tried to jump on board with this article because I thought of all the times I suffered when I was riding-I was like finally, suffering! Yes! But suffering is something we create, a way to limit ourselves from the possibilities we think are too far out of reach. The word suffering to me conjures up this idea of pain, hurt, despair, not being able to eat for days, being ripped away from your family as a child sold into the sex slave, watching your father die from the rebels, that's suffering. But being on a bike isn't the same suffering, it's not a miserable state to be in it's a euphoric state where you realize you are on the cusp of greatness, even if it's just beating your time up the same hill you've done for years. And I don't think that those who can suffer the most on the bike are the best. Sure you can handle a little more lactic acid but it's more about their focus, their drive, that passion that keeps them going. It's their intent to why they are riding, because intent is really just the building blocks of the outcome. I think that's where I ran into problems because my intent for Leadville wasn't pure but I thought that by doing it, it would erase everything that had happened by getting hit by a car. Now going into it again, I have to figure out why I really want to do it, other than to be a badass.

Is this what I look like when I stand next to Frank?

California finally happened, which for the first day I kept smiling because I couldn't believe that I was finally there. We spent 4 days at the beach and 1 day at Disneyland. Being at the beach was delectable, being out there in the moment it was perfect. It's awe-inspiring to be in front of something that is so majestic and at the same time so destructible. I borrowed one of Mary Clair's swimsuits because it didn't have straps so I could work on removing those awesome tan lines I got in Vegas, it was great for working on my tan, not so much for boogie boarding. Luckily that was a day that not too many people were at the same beach. We also rented surf boards for 2 days, which I've never done before. My roommate brought his wetsuits so we wouldn't have to rent them. When he told me you don't wear a swimsuit with them I think I gave him the same look that my mom gave me when I told her you don't wear underwear with cycling shorts. Changing out of that into a swimsuit on the beach was definitely a challenge while trying to remain somewhat dignified and not exposing everything at once. It was like all my changing before my rides prepared me for that moment. Ha. My mom told me before she didn't want me to try surfing because she didn't want me to hit my head again, which is a valid concern, and which is why I'm only tell her now. Every time I would fall off I would hear her voice go, "not the head, not the head" and throw my arms over my head and lie underwater until I thought it was safe to come off without getting a surf board to the face. Surfing was pretty cool, at least the 2 times I stood up, most of the other time I was wrestling (mostly getting destroyed) by the waves while trying to stay laying down on the board. My old swim coaches, actually any of my old coaches would not be impressed with my lack of athleticism I showed in the water. I think anyone who saw me was amazed at how bad of a swimmer I was in the ocean. I would be 3 feet from the beach and get taken out from a wave.

Skipping into the Happiest Place on Earth

I don't know why they have cameras anyways...

Disneyland was magical. Everything I thought it would be and so much more. Jessie is a pro at going so knew how to coordinate all the rides so we could make the most out of our day. And we did. Tower of Terror, Splash Mountain, Space Mountain, Screamin' California, Soaring California, Toy Story Game, and the Tea Cup Ride, which I'm proud to say I did not throw up on this time. The pictures of us on the rides are pretty comical and almost always the same, My eyes are closed and I appear to be screaming, Jessie seems to be thoroughly enjoying herself, and my roommate looks so nonchalant it's like he's not even on a ride.  I was hoping to run into Cinderella, as she's my favorite princess, mainly because we have so much in common what with her falling down stairs, losing her things and having nothing good happening to her after midnight, that and we both believe a pair of shoes can change your life. Instead we saw Sleeping Beauty, so I took my picture with her even though I'm not a fan of the fact that she fell asleep only to marry the first guy that came along when she woke up. But I guess it worked out as they lived Happily Ever After.

The only bike I've been on so far is my cruiser. I have to check in with people when I leave and when I get home because they don't trust me to be able to ride 3 miles by myself and be okay, but I'm sure my mom appreciates that fact. I still need to find a helmet. I know that part of me not getting one is not finding one that really fits me, but I also know that part of it is that I won't have an excuse to not ride anymore. I'm not so much scared of getting back on my bike and riding but just at how fast everything can happen. Needless to say I'm not planning any solo rides. I haven't given Leadville too much thought because there is no point in letting it consume my life at this point. I am thinking about getting a Scott bike for next year though. It's a girl specific bike, which is probably why I want it but the resale market would be so small that I'd have to commit to keeping to for a while so I'm not sure about that. Plus I'm bonded with my bike now so I'm not sure I want to go through that again, because I'm getting a little old to be sleeping in the back of my car with bikes. At least it's bikes and not boys.

Mirror, Mirror

I've always prized myself on having a good memory (not nearly as good as Heidi's but it's been pretty sufficient). Almost to the point where it's embarrassingly good (I'm not bragging, it's the truth) where I've had to pretend multiple times not to know someone because I met them once two years ago as they were passing by and knew my friend, why they could forget me I'm not sure. But now it's gone, although I'm told it will return but I'm not sure when. Not to fret, as it's not completely gone but my short term memory seems to be well short-circuiting at the moment. It's a really weird state to be in actually. Last Sunday after my parents left I ended up just lounging around and watching 3 movies, by Monday I could only remember 2 and by Tuesday only 1. The only movie I remembered the whole week watching was The Vow, which is actually ironic because in it (spoiler alert!) she loses her memory of the past 5 years (I'm not sure what would have been worse, waking up not remembering the past 5 years or waking up only being able to speak Russian, both would have been entertaining though, at least to Frank and MC, not my parents). Friday night I was driving and started to put on chapstick and it was a deja vu moment where I suddenly remembered watching Mirror, Mirror because in it Julia Roberts gets stung on the lips by bees and then immediately the entire movie came back to me. It's the most bizarre thing to have no recollection of any of the movie for almost a week and then you are bombarded with so many scenes from the movie you wonder how you were ever able to forget.

This was on our table the night before Leadville

I do remember Leadville though. I woke up at 4:30 so that we would be able to leave at 5 (I talked my dad and Frank into coming the night before). I got dressed, all bandaged up and then realized it was just my dad and I, as Frank decided not to wake up. We got to the first aid station, which is at about mile 10 and then mile 90 on the way back. We started making PB&J's and putting oranges, bananas, and m&ms out, along with water and GU Brew (guess I know what my training food is now!). One of the guys said we wouldn't need any food as no one stops. He was right. Only a handful of people stopped and it was mainly ones that had to use the bathroom or they had mechanical issues. One guy came through yelling if anyone had a helmet and was willing to pay $200. The one time I don't have one in my car, it figures. Luckily one of the volunteers did and he took it. He said it fell off about a mile earlier and I'm not sure why the option of riding without one (which warrants being disqualified) overruled the option of stopping and picking it up. I guess in the heat of the moment his critical thinking skills didn't exactly think that one through. Two guys snapped their rear derailleurs off and were out of the race, so I need to make a note to pack an extra one of those (this is only funny if you realize the ridiculousness of trying to put on a new derailleur in the midst of a race). 

Definitely not what I thought I'd be wearing

I felt a little weird being there though, because a lot of the people that were volunteering were doing so to try and get into the race next year. Some of them had even raced previous years and didn't get in this year. I didn't want to tell anyone that I was actually suppose to be racing but instead got a medical deferral. At that point I looked pretty normal (minus the bandages on my hand) and acted pretty normal that I was afraid they were going to judge me for not racing. I know it was silly but I think part of me was judging myself for not racing, even though it would have been a shit show if I had. Some of them asked me if I was going to try and get into the race for next year, my response was usually more of an open to interpretation, "Uh, well see, one of my friends is all about is and so I thought I'd come and check it out." You know when you have a problem and you try to tell your parents but really it's like, "Well, uh you see my friend has this problem..." that was what I felt like. I was definitely able to get a better feel for the race (one guy eats baby food) and it's not as serious as I thought it would be, it's definitely a race but one lady had ribbons on her helmet, and I realized it was probably a lot of wasted energy to try and figure out what to wear. 

It was a long day when I got home from the race, my parents had taken me to get a bed frame and without thinking I thought my bed was a full (I've only had it for a year...) and so we got a full bed frame only to have my dad and Frank put it together and realize that my bed was a queen. And then I just started crying, not even that stifling, just a tear running down, I have something in my eye, this is a sad movie crying. But full on, not breathing, sobbing, my dog just died crying. My dad said, "Don't worry, I'll go change it out, we'll get the right bed frame." I just replied, "It's not about the bed" it never is. My mom took me aside, mainly so Frank would stop telling me it was okay, people buy the wrong beds alllllll the time. She told me that it was okay to grieve for the life I thought I was going to have, even though it's just a small bump (and not a huge detour) having her say that made me realize that for the past 6 months I never once considered not finishing an option. I always saw myself going down that red carpet into the finish. I didn't even fathom not starting, it didn't even cross my mind that it could be a possibility. I had been so careful to try and not get sick in the weeks leading up to it, not riding any technical single track, so that I would be 100% on race day. The biggest thing I have to get over is not being able to remember the crash, for something that I'll never be able to remember...it's hard to forget. 

I was cleared to exercise this week, which was interesting. I went to the gym because I thought it would be good to be in a controlled environment so I got on the elliptical, which I've never really understood the purpose of that machine. Who are these people that actually use it? It's a pretty humbling experience though, not as bad as when I had to learn to walk again, on the treadmill and going about 2.7mph. I let what I thought people thought of me dictate what I thought of me (did you follow that). The fact that I was only going 20 minutes on the elliptical, in my mind people were saying she's not an athlete, but that's what I was thinking about myself. It's a good lesson to learn though, seeing my insecurities in what I think others are thinking of me (which I let happen at the race). I'm working on it. It took a couple of minutes to get over it at the gym, and the ridiculousness of that machine, have you ever tried that thing? It's really quiet awkward, I had no idea what to do with my arms the whole time- do I use the "trekking poles" do I put them on the place that it takes heart rate, do I just put them at my side? If someone could fill me in that would be great. And it helped that The Real Housewives of New Jersey was on, their problems are soooo much worse than everyone's. I'm not sure when I'll start biking, soon I hope, I just need to find a new helmet and I'm actually, surprisingly, really picky about that. I really liked my helmet, like a lot. It was a good weight, amazing color, great fit, it looked good on me, all the things you want in a good man...er helmet. I've found a couple of contenders but I have to order one and then figure out the whole biking thing. I want to go back to Leadville and ride the route I did when I crashed, and crush it. But that probably won't be my first ride out. I'll keep you posted, if nothing else at this point I have a reason to keep writing. 

I had the house to myself this past week. My parents left on Sunday and my roommate left for the week last Monday. I didn't tell my parents that he left because then I'm pretty sure they would have stayed. As much as I appreciated my mom taking care of me (and I really did because I think I would have rushed back sooner than I did and it would have taken a lot longer to feeling as good as I am now) it was nice having a little down time. The only problem I ran into was when I got home from dropping my roomie off at the airport I went to paint my nails and realized that since my left hand still wasn't able to grip I couldn't get any of my nail polish open. I tried everything, putting the bottle behind my knee, between my knees, holding it with my toes. Luckily I found a small little sample bottle that I could open with my finger tips because it wasn't shut tight- so the week wasn't as long as it could have been. Only once did I have to go ask my neighbor how to turn on the stove.....those critical thinking skills are slowly coming back.  

2810

2810. This is my race number for Leadville. Don't worry you can relax (or put the rosary down) I accepted the medical deferral. I didn't even bring my bike up because I knew I would contemplate riding when I got to Leadville. And I did, but didn't have my bike. I love it when past me takes into account the actions of future me and acts accordingly. The doctor didn't clear me when I saw her on Tuesday, actually it went more like this:
Me: "Leadville granted me a medical deferral so I can race in 2013"
Her: "Oh, I'm so glad to hear that, because I didn't want to have to tell you not to ride."
Me: "I'm glad too, because then I didn't have to disobey you and then see you next week wondering why I'm not feeling better."

So we all win. 

When I texted my dad, I said, They granted me a medical deferral, I get to race in 2012!!. He wrote back, uh, don't you mean 2013. I said, Yah, I keep forgetting it's not 2011. Don't worry I'm getting better everyday!!

I would have been Linus.

I'm really not sure what I would have done had I not gotten the medical deferral. As crazy and as compromising as it would have been to race, people don't get chances like this everyday. But I'm glad I got it as I walked up 27 stairs the other day and was out of breath and my legs hurt. I got to the top and thought "Powerline definitely would have handed my ass to me on a silver platter" which it might have done without crashing but at least I would have had a chance.

Maybe I'll start baking again

Because I wasn't able to work I've tried to take time to reflect on my training leading up to the race, and to start thinking about next year. It's weird I feel like in a twisted way I've been given a second chance. I did feel ready for this year but now it's like I know what not to do. I'm not sure I want to live my life another year saying "after Leadville" especially because my mom said something about going to Harry Potter World and without thinking I said, "It'll have to be after Leadville next year." I realized that I probably got a little obsessed and maybe too focused on one race. I put more focus on the end result of getting to Leadville and finishing than just enjoying the process. Especially because the end result isn't what I thought it would be at this point. I think I'm going to take some time off from training, not only because my doctor recommended it, but I need it. I want to start playing more tennis and by that I mean start playing tennis (they have such cute clothes), start doing more swim workouts, regularly running and doing more road and mountain bike rides just for fun. I'm thinking I'll go to California, sit on a beach, hopefully do some surfing, and then come back just in time to get settled into a grad school class. I want to get back into the flow of school and work and then start thinking about training in October. I also think I'm going to invest in a coach because I was always worried I wasn't doing enough to prepare (when really at some points I was probably doing too much). That way they can also help me balance it with my life a little more. I'm also thinking I'll do a few more races next year probably in the Leadville Race Series but just to get my feet wet so I'm not jumping in head first (because concussions are not fun).     

I haven't been able to shave my legs since the crash, so it's probably a good thing that I've sworn off boys for another year. It's not like I would be able to date anyways because my roommate is a bigger rooster stopper than CB was in college. My brother did ask if I did anything to my head besides a bad concussion (which I thought was a weird question) but just said, "I scratched my face but it has healed up pretty nicely so there is still hope in finding a husband." He replied, "Hope springs eternal." I've missed him.

Don't judge her, she's "comfy"

I'm up at Copper Mountain right now, the house was already paid for so my parents figured we'd just make it into more of a vacation. My sister and I took the bunk beds, which I proclaimed if I was still racing I would lay stake on the king bed. I did pick up my packet (mainly for the most expensive t-shirt I've ever bought) and activated my chip before realizing that probably a bad idea. I then was worried about getting a DNF behind my name when I hadn't even started. I talked to the lady who granted me the medical deferral and she took care of it. I got nervous even being in the racing atmosphere and I still have another year to prepare. Luckily that also means my mom and grandmother have another year to put some rosaries in the bank, as I'm sure I cashed in all the ones they had prayed for me on my crash.

Target let's me coordinate my bandage with my manicure

My doctor wants to see me back if my wrist doesn't heal in the next week or so. She thinks that most of the fall was stopped with my hand as I can't lift too much more than an iphone or move it in certain positions. I have managed putting my hair in a pony tail with one hand (#skillsIwishIcouldputonmyresume). It would be nice to get full function back as I'm limited to what bikes I talk about at work because I can't get any down from the second tier. I'm hoping that if I do go back and see her I can try and set her up with my roommate because it would be beneficial for me to have a doctor in the house.

I did volunteer for the race just so I can get a better sense of how everything works. I have to be there earlier than if I was racing but I'll be at the first check point. I'm trying to talk Frank into coming with me but he's not super keen on getting up at 4:30 to hand out water, especially if Lance isn't here.

Blue. Tree. Frog.

These are the three words the ER nurse asked me to remember. When she asked me to recall them a while later I stammered out "Blue...uh...yep, that's all I got!" Which I thought was pretty good considering I woke up thinking it was July 15 and had to look at my Road ID to figure out who I was, thanks again Molly! I actually thought that my last training ride was going to be so uneventful I had started working on ideas about what to write before the race (and this is when God starts laughing, I hope he's ROFL about this one). Yes, I crashed on my last training ride and while I don't remember much I'll relay what I do.

I had met my mom and and my sister, Mary Clair in Silverthorne last Tuesday morning. My sister drove me to Leadville, so I could rest, while my mom followed in her car. We stopped by the race shop so I could get another map and then parked at Twin Lakes Dam. I was about to change when I told my mom and MC to turn around because I wasn't wearing any underwear. My mom asked why, and I replied "I don't need to with bike shorts and I'm not wearing a clean pair for only the drive up." MC and my mom then headed off to Crested Butte to take MC shopping before going to the cabin. I decided to do Columbine but figured I would warm up first by going 5 miles out in the opposite direction and then back by my car in case I needed anything before heading up Columbine. The 10 mile warm up was uneventful, except I saw a snake which was pretty odd considering I have never seen one up there but took it as a good omen because it was my last big training ride. I stopped by my car because I've been contemplating buying a lighter wheel set and decided I would at least call and see if they had them in stock to ship out right away. They didn't have the ones I wanted but they did have a set, I told them I would call back the next day to order them. I wanted to check with some guys at work and see what they thought of them before I paid for overnight shipping. I started the trip up Columbine, this time I actually saw quiet a few bikers, one who was much older yelled at me to "Enjoy it" as I climbed up and he whizzed by going down. I thought to myself I will do just that. I saw an antelope on the way up and it acted a little strange just in the sense that it crossed the road right in front of me and then stopped and stared me down as I road by. But I was going slow enough that it was probably just appalled by my lack of speed.

Take Cover!

It started raining which I didn't mind because being from South Dakota, it's a pleasure to ride in the rain. I did mind when it started hailing. Luckily I was near a campsite and someone had pitched a tarp off their trailer that I ducked in there. I didn't think they would mind me taking refugee till it let up, especially because I left them some money to ward off any bad karma that might follow me. The rest of the climb was slow going but I felt good and made it to the top no problem. At the top I saw a car heading down so I took one of the side roads off to avoid any tight spaces with the car. I road until I reached 20 miles on my garmin and then figured another 10 back to my car and debated doing more but decided to see how I felt when I got back. I don't know if this is relevant but I did take my inhaler at the top because I started feeling some tightness in my chest and wanted to ward off any attack that might be brewing. 

I started the descent down and passed the car pretty quickly. I was making mental notes of how far from the top things were, the creepy house with the army convoy .75 miles from the top, which means 4.25 miles up in the climb. I remember thinking I need to remember that because I always think that house is closer to the bottom. I also made a mental list of things I wanted to do when I got home that night; go to Whole Foods, put together my shower stand, maybe watch Silence of the Lambs, do abs, and start making a list of things for Leadville. That's my last real memory of the ride before waking up in the rear seat of the car I had passed with some biker handing me my broken Oakley's telling me I was going to be okay. 

Didn't see my night going like this...

When I was passed out I was in this weird dream state where I remember walking around the forest up in Leadville. I was angry and at the same time content that this is how I was spending me last training ride, just walking around the forest. I remember some of my college friends were there as well as my roommate. When I woke up I didn't realize that the dream hadn't happened and thought that my roommate was in Leadville so I called his work about 5 times not remembering that I had called and he wasn't there. I also thought it was July 15th and wasn't sure what year it was or where I lived. The people whose car I was in were from Missouri and one of them was a nurse so they put ice on my head and flew to the hospital. On the way I called my mom and one of the ladies talked to her. I tried calling Molly but her ringer was off so she texted back, "Sorry, ringer turned off. Still @ work everything okay?"
I replied back, "No, I crashed I don't remember much in car on my way to hospital."

"Are you serious? Which hospital? You're not driving, are you?"

"Leadville I don't know some people picked me up." And that was all the details I felt were necessary to give her. I do remember talking on the phone to her later but I'm not sure what was said.

At the ER they changed me out of my clothes and into a gown and tried to start an IV. I suggested using a butterfly needle (not sure where I pulled that one out of) so the nurse did and sill couldn't get it so she sent an EMT in to do it who told me you can't use butterfly needles to start IVs but you can to draw blood. Why the nurse listened to me when I coun't even remember my middle name, I'm not sure. The doc checked me over and said no riding for 14 days, but Leadville is in 12?!?? He just said sorry. He then sent a cute EMT (figures the one day I don't wear makeup to ride) to bandage my wounds. He said he would be stationed at Powerline on race day I told him I might stop off for an IV. He also tole me that if it was him, he'd still race. Easy for him to say he's on the other side of the hospital bed.

My mom came in while MC went with the people from MO to get my bike out of their car and pick up my car. I told my mom they had to take my bike clothes off to check me over. She said, "I bet you wish you would have worn underwear." and I said, "It's nothing they haven't seen before." Luckily because my mom and sister were there I could borrow their clothes and not have to wear hospital scrubs out (I already have my Halloween costume for this year so I wasn't really in need). My mom took me back to Abe and Molly's that night where I began to feel worse with waves of nausea hitting so she took me back to the ER where they did a CT of my head (they thought it was weird that Leadville didn't do one considering I lost 90 minutes of memory) and an X-Ray of my hand. Both came back clean. I saw a concussion management doctor on Thursday who said Leadville is out, but I scheduled another appointment for next Tuesday just in case I make a turn for the better. She also said no rides longer than an hour for 4 weeks. So now I'm working on a deferral for the race to try and get in next year. I haven't heard back yet but fingers crossed they approve it.

Not getting that bracelet off anytime soon!

In the mean time because I can't do much else, I've been working on theories to how/why I crashed. I find it very strange that I crashed on that road because I know my skills and the road I was riding is not technical at all; it's essentially like Battle Mountain, just a fire road that's pretty wide. I'm open to anyone's ideas. The right side of my helmet is cracked, but my left eye and chin are scrapped up. My left arm is cut and my left hand is swollen with road rash on the back of my hand and left hip. My right leg is all bruised and scrapped up. I don't have any defense wounds on my palms almost like I didn't have time to react.
This is what I've got:

1.) I was riding and hit my head on a tree branch, got knocked out and then fell off my bike.

2.) A stick/snake got stuck in my spoke causing me to crash.

3.) I swerved to miss a deer or a snake or a chipmunk.

4.) I pass out on my bike before I even crashed, causing my body to go limp which is why I'm not hurt worse.

5.) A mountain man clubbed me over the head to try and make me his wife and as he was dragging me off heard the other bikers coming and left me and ran. (That's the top theory right now)

6.) That antelope came back with a vengeance like this one in South Africa.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S2oymHHyV1M&feature=player_embedded

Definitely needed more than a sample

We were at the mall the other day because I had felt bad that I crashed (literally) MC's vacation so I rallied for about an hour so she could go get her makeup done at Clinique. My mom fed me cookies the whole time to keep me from fading (I don't remember the last time I ate 1 let alone 4 cookies, but the doctor told her my brain needs glucose). As the lady was wrapping up she looked at me and asked if I wanted any samples, I said, "Sure, you can surprise me though, I can't really think right now." So she gave me some eye cream and the I asked, "Do you think I could get a sample of concealer?" My mom replied, "I think you're going to need more than a sample." 

........

I spent the past week at Molly's with my mom ad MC. I called my roommate the other day to tell him I was probably going to be coming home this past Saturday. He asked if my first aid kit was stocked. I said that since my mom isn't really medical she gets anything she might need, so my first aid kit had expanded immensely from duct tape and Disney Princess band-aids. I should be good for at least another 4 crashes....

What I thought I'd be writing about....

 Things I was going to blog about:
-What I was going to wear for the race, the little Gucci dress, the little Gucci dress, or the little Gucci dress -(Spice Girls anyone?) Actually I was going to wear my Landry's jersey and my short Pearl shorts. I figure I could get away with the short shorts because I'm a girl so no one will take me seriously anyways, and they're not even my shortest.
-What color toenail polish I was going to wear "Teal the Cows Come Home" has been the favorite so far. I would have had to touch it up as it came off the toe with no toenail when I was doing a swim workout last week.
-How the only time I've lost weight during training was right before Molly's wedding when I went in for my last fitting (5 days before the wedding) and was told I'd gained 2 inches in my chest (as a result of all those push-up/pulls I was doing). Probably the only time I'll be upset that my bra size went up. Luckily my mom reminded me that no one was going to be looking at me.

That's where I'm at. It still hasn't really hit me that I'm more than likely not racing. Even if my some slim chance I do get cleared my body has been compromised so much that isn't not really fair to ask it to try when I can't give 100 percent. I was telling my mom how I thought Leadville was going to be the capstone of everything, starting in the ER when I got hit by the car and then finishing at Leadville. She pointed out that it had come full circle. ER to ER. I'll keep you posted with what the doc says on Tuesday but don't hold your breath. 

P.S. I've recently moved and my new address is 2502 S. Lafayette St. Denver, CO 80210 if you feel so inclined to send a get-well card! 

In about 4 weeks you can bet this will be me!