#ConcussionProblems

Didn't want to risk it...

Nonononononono. Stop. Your cast is almost off and if you break your arm again it will be another 5 weeks before you can really wash your hair. Stop. This is what I said to myself before I almost went down a technical section on a ride with Wayne. It's all rock and you descend and turn about midway through. I've done the section before, but not with a cast on, and I've seen someone tumble and break their arm going down. I stopped and walked down. Lair O' The Bear, the trail we were on might be my favorite on the front range. It's slightly technical but not overly so that you become frustrated and after a nice little climb up, the trail turns into rollie-pollie-goodness. It's smooth and there is good flow  and it always hits the spot. If you could turn your morning coffee into a trail, it would be this one. It also helped that it was December 3rd, 65 degrees  and I was in shorts and a jersey so I think I was relishing in the fact that it was so delicious out.

This past weekend Wayne and I rode Chimney Gulch, which is a pretty good climb filled with an almost annoying amount of waterbars. As we were coming down I ran into a girl I went to college with, so we had to stop because I rarely see anyone I know from CO on the trail, let along anyone from Holy Cross. We chatted for a bit about biking and other HC related gossip and then continued on our way. Wayne got ahead of me in the last mile or so and there was a split in the trail and I could not remember for the life of me which way we came up. Right looked pretty good so I headed down about half a mile only to have it dead end into some sort of sewage drainage structure which I think I would have remember scaling on the way in so I decided to turn around and take the other path. On my way down the right path there was one waterbar which you go over as you turn right (my weak side). I started going but lost control half way through and dismounted,  I was straddling my bike but by then the rear wheel  had rolled onto the waterbar while the front had rolled onto a rock leaving me on my very tippy-tippy toes (good thing for ballet and going en pointe) trying to not become high centered. Because my hips are so tight and I was on my tip toes I couldn't swing one leg over while holding onto the bike with one hand. I started wabbling forward and my bike began to roll and I started to fall to my left side (the side I always fall on) and saw my casted hand reach out to catch myself and immediately thought of my hair and somehow spun around and fell so that I slid down the trail on my bottom with my bike on top of me.

It might have been the most uncoordinated 15 seconds of my life, and that's really saying something. At this point I was glad I was separated from Wayne and all other human beings. I did only manage to scrap a finger on my left hand so that was a win, but I did come away with a nasty bruise on the inside of my leg.

This off season I want to work on figuring out my nutrition. Mainly because everything I eat can be broken down into 4.5 things. Rice cakes, peanut butter, grapes, red hot blues, and the occasional trail mix. It's not the worst diet (mainly because Molly and Abe feed me at least once a week), but I feel like there is definitely room for improvement. Plus my doctor (and my mom) told me I need to eat more protein and incorporate more iron into my diet. I'm trying to eat a cup of spinach and 1 banana a day. Which the spinach is mainly for the iron, and because it usually makes me integrate some other type of food with it. I eat bananas when I ride and they have a lot of health benefits while being really cheap and you always know what you're getting with a banana, it's always just kind of "uh, that was okay", never "Oh my gosh, that was the best banana of my life". Plus with bananas I figure I can work on my commitment issues, before I would only buy 1 or 2 at a time because I could never commit to eating all the bananas before they go bad. Now I buy a whole hand at a time. This must be what being a grown up is all about.

It's been interesting having my cast on because the crash is so long ago but because I'm wearing it people seem to feel like it's okay to ask what happened, which I've never really understood because what if it's actually a horrible story. I did start to get creative at the end because I got bored telling everyone, "I fell off my bike...3 months ago." Karma is probably going to come back at me for fudging the truth a little bit. I was on a po-go stick and fell into a man hole and got my arm stuck on the way down. Super gross, good thing I passed out from the pain, huh?; I got attacked by a wolf, he bit down on my hand and shook it so hard it snapped my wrist, luckily some hunters were there to get me out of that situation, and because I passed out from the pain I don't remember much;  Downhill unicycling, yah it's a pretty badass sport;  Once you start talking compound fractures and bones sticking out people lose interest really fast. I also had 3 different people, while I was working at the shop, ask my if I broke my wrist skateboarding. I'm not sure how they get skateboarder out of a girl who works at a bike shop, paints her nails, and wears boat shoes but I didn't want to squash their fantasy so I just went with it. And they say I have a TBI?

Those were some fun dreams....

The medicine seems to be steadily working. I have these little epiphany moments when someone will ask me something from a few months or year ago and if I remember I get super excited, so much so that I usually say, "look at my brain working!" I still have my moments, I won't remember custumers that came in the day before. My sleeping is becoming a little more normal I usually only wake up once or twice at night and then early in the morning. The TBI medicine and the melatonin are both known for producing really vivid dreams. Which I finally had to put a note up because I kept forgetting to not watch Law and Order before bed.

There is  a thread on twitter called #concussionproblems, which I thought would be funny but it's severely depressing to read. All they talk about is there headaches and how they can't do anything because they have concussions. Not that I've enjoyed my TBI but some of it's mildly entertaining to just see how my mind wanders and functions in this state because it's nothing I've experience before. If I had a twitter my feed would read like this:

No, ghosts don't live in your house, you forgot to shut the cupboards when you left. #goodthingthefridgeclosesonitsown #concussionproblems

Lost my keys in Downtown Denver, completely sober.
#concussionproblems

Everyday for the past 11 weeks I've forgotten to get my stitches removed, if you see me please remind me.
#concussionproblems

Set car alarm off again to figure out where I was parked.
#concussionproblems

How do I turn the stove on?
#concussionproblems

Can't remember if I took my concussion medication or not, have to count all the pills out.
#concussionproblems

Keep forgetting that I don't really like running so I keep running.
#concussionproblems

Went to a pumpkin carving party....forgot the pumpkin
#concussionproblems

Forgot they took my cast off...only washed my fingers.
#concussionproblems

Meant to send Kara a check 4 weeks ago for a t-shirt, keep forgetting to text her to tell her I haven't.
#concussionproblems

Started looking up health benefits of bananas...ended up learning that 1/6th of the time spent filming Alfred Hitchcocks's Movie Psycho was spent shooting the shower scene.
#howigotthereidon'tknow #concussionproblems



Disclaimer: I did wash my hair while my arm was in a cast but because of it's thick unruly nature it was really hard to "get in there real nice and deep" (name that movie) with only one hand. While I'm thankful for dry shampoo, I'm more thankful for the ability to wash my hair with two hands. It's the little things you miss

Also I don't mean to make fun of the people on twitter or take there concussions lightly but I approach my injuries with humor, mainly because I know I won't be in this state forever, while I have had moments of frustration (losing my keys in dd was not fun) I know that my big healthy brain (you know that one that attracts all the boys to the yard) will be back. One day at a time.

Don't Fear Where You Will Tread

We take our running very seriously....

"We could dress up as a banana and a gorilla!!" They were definitely at the first Thanksgiving. "Yah! I'll try to find a banana costume and if not we'll do pilgrims or something boring." And that's how Molly and I decided to dress up for the Turkey Trot. Somehow my roommate was able to materialize a banana costume for me and Molly already had a gorilla costume (their costume box runs pretty deep). We both lasted about 50 yards into the run before I lost my top (to the wind, found it though) and Molly took off her mask so she could breath. A 5k is one of those distances that attracts all levels of fitness, from those high school cross country kids to the couch potatoes who are just walking it. Any time we passed a kid and their parent the parent would say to the kid, "You're not going to let a gorilla and a banana pass you, are you?" Clearly because we're dressed in costumes we don't exude any level of fitness. It was a good run, neither of us wore watches and weren't really concerned with our time. Which was good because I'm trying to soften my competitive spirit just until I get my mojo back so I don't go off getting hurt again. 

Cannibalism?

I'm not sure if I'm a fan of the medication they put me on for my traumatic brain injury (TBI). I like it but I don't. I think it's been helping. I actually walk out of stores and don't have to walk around pressing the panic button to find my car. But I still have to set an alarm to remind myself to take it. I started it a few weeks ago and the first two days I didn't get out of bed until late in the afternoon. I did but only to take the medicine and then go back to bed. I started it explicitily on a weekend because one of the side effects was drowsiness and I seem to be sensitive to that sometimes. I was worried about going into work  the next day but luckily it switched to one of the other side effects, insomnia. Which at least gives me more time for activities. If I fall asleep early I wake up really early (Like 4:30 and I'm ready to start the day) or I'll just wake up through the night. That went on for about 3 weeks until my doctor suggested trying melatonin and sleepytime tea. Which worked well until I woke up at 2:30am having to pee.

Between the TBI state, the medicated state, and what I think my normal state will be eventually I'm not sure which part is controlling what. I was going to go for a night ride for the first ride with my cast, which I didn't think it would be that bad (even though I'm pretty sure the guys at the shop did an over/under on how bad I was going to crash). It's probably a good thing one of the guys I was going with decided it was too cold for the short amount of time we'd be out. I was super gung-ho about it, but I think that was the medication, because post-concussion I haven't had a great time night riding, and normal me doesn't really like to be cold when I ride. I did go for a ride by myself with my cast and realized I could either hold the handlebar or use the break. The ride was uneventful pretty short, I did a  non technical trail and I didn't go over the handlebars like one of the guys at the shop thought I would, so that's a win. 

Pretty sure I walked this part

I did do another ride this past weekend with Wayne and one of his friends. We ended up going to Hall Ranch outside of Boulder, which can be challenging when you don't have a cast on but I warned them I would be slow and they didn't seem to care. It starts with a nice technical climb up, which it made me feel better when Wayne walked some of the sections too. I did crash on the way up, I was going pretty slow and thought about trying to catch myself but because I was falling to my left I didn't want to put out my broken wrist to try and stop myself so I just kind of rolled into it, but apparently not enough because I bruised up my knee, forearm and scratched my cast. The ride down though was pretty delicious. I opted to not use my front break and instead hang onto the handlebar which made me alter my riding style. I think for the better though, it felt more mellifluous, I was more conscious of what my body was doing and wasn't reacting to what I thought it was going to do. Now all I want to do is ride my bike and get back to that euphoric place. I saw my doctor the next day to get a new cast (It was looking pretty rough before I fell on it). She asked how riding with it was going. I told her, "Well I can either hold the handlebar or use the break, but not both." She said, "Oh, well that's probably okay just going on the bike path and stuff." 
"...Yah, I did Hall Ranch yesterday." 

After the ride

"You did Hall Ranch, with your cast? All those rocks? Are you trying to get badass points? You really shouldn't tell me those things." I almost replied to tell her it was a sound decision to cast it as I fell on my wrist, but it's like when you do something and after you're like, welp I'm alive and not hurt so my mom probably doesn't need to know, so just left it at that. Plus I was trying to get badass points.


I've started trying to figure out what rides/events I want to do next summer. I think it was spurred by a recent date (I think it was a date but jury's still out) that made me realize I need another reason not to date for a year. See the date I went on before this one I offered to split the check and the guy took me up on it. When the guys at the shop caught wind of that they were appalled and told me "Done, next, you're not seeing him again." With this guy he seemed pretty cool and I wanted to be able to see him again so when the check came I got really nervous and just awkwardly sat there and didn't say anything.

It might happen

He ended up paying and probably thinking I'm a huge brat. It basically fizzled out after that, which is probably good but somewhat unfortunate because he is a good biker. I told Molly I need to just stop eating with boys, she suggested I stop making out with them first. Good point. So that's how I started thinking about what to do next. I was on this kick for about 2 days to do the Leadman Series which is a marathon, 10K, 50 mile bike, 100 mile bike, and 100 mile run in about the span of 7 weeks. I was super enthusiastic too. I was asking people about training and what it would take to get to that running level. Even though I still really want to do it, I'm pretty sure it's the medicine talking. Let's be real, normal me has never actually trained for a running event, including the marathon. Soo 100 mile run, yah that's a really good idea, thanks a lot you sneaky little red pills. I still have till March 2nd to sign up for it and even though I want to I know it's not a good idea.

Yah....about that....

Like when you're drunk and a package shows up 4 days later because you went home and shopped online and you're like, "oh yah, I did do that, that wasn't the best idea" that is what it would be like when I get off the medicine but I still would have to run 100 miles. Luckily I got a less destructive kick a little later. I was looking at the Breckenridge 100, another 100 mile bike race a few weeks before Leadville. It's more technical and said to be harder than Leadville. Fortunately that can be done in a team of 3. I quickly contacted a few people who are into cross country racing and solidified a team. Now there is no way I can sign up for the Leadman series. The Leadman series would be fun in a very bizarre way. The Breckenridge 100 will just be fun in an awesome way. 



 

The Art of Falling

I'm kind of a baby when it comes to cold weather (which I know is surprising to most of you because I run around in shorts all Winter) so it took a little convincing from a friend to get me to go mountain biking up at Breckenridge not too long after they had gotten snow. I was informed it would be 52 degrees and he had called a shop up there and they said the trails were "good to go brah." The plan was to go up Georgia Pass and then come down on the Colorado Trail. I asked how long he thought the ride would be he said "Uh, anywhere from 90 minutes to whenever we're done." (Thankfully my house doesn't get trick-or-treaters so I didn't have to be back to hand out candy.) The weather was actually perfect, even at the top of the pass, but the trails were packed with a lot of snow and ice and we ended up walking a good bit of it. It would be an awesome trail for a toboggan to go down though. At the top we ate lunch and looked at the map for a bit to try and figure out where the trail started as no one had been up there snowshoeing yet. Once we found the trail we still had to walk about a mile to be in a place where we could actually ride. That was the only place I got cold because I was wearing knickers (they hit mid-calf, not undies but I use the word interchangeably to mean both so wanted to clarify I was not out tramping around in my knickers) and my socks left an opening where the snow would hit. The ride down was unreal; there wasn't a place where we weren't riding on snow. You just glide on top of it and don't really try to fight what lines you're taking. I definitely didn't bomb down, even with the snow for a cushion I was still apprehensive. I let the guys go first who were gracious enough to stop occasionally and make sure I was still behind them (my mom thanks you too!). We got done about 6 hours later with only and estimate of how many miles we had gone. It was nice riding with them because it was so casual they didn't care about mileage or speed, and they drink beer after too

All bundled up!

I've also done two night rides. The first one was outside of Boulder so Wayne came with a couple of my coworkers and I. Wayne crushed it per usual, the only time I can beat him on a bike is when he is really really hung over and I'm not. I felt a little better about riding in the dark there because I at least knew the trail (don't worry mom, we had lights too). Night riding is something you should do at least once. You really have to feel the bike and you're in the moment because you can't really see that far ahead to start planning what you'll have to be doing. There was one section where 2 of the guys were hot on my tail going down hill and my rear wheel started to lose traction and I freaked and pulled off to the side and let them pass me. I started tearing up (which is also how I know I'm still concussed as I'm still more emotional) because it really freaks me out to wake up in the hospital again. One of the older guys rolled up behind me and asked if I was okay, "Yah, just fixing my light." He said, "Me too." And waited till I was ready to go on.

This is about all you see on a night ride

The other night ride we did was at Green Mountain which I've done a night ride on before, but it was last year so I don't remember much about it. The nice thing about riding with other people is they usually have similar experiences. And all of them have had to get back on the bike after some crash. Half of the group took off and hammered away for the most part but the other half just took our time. One of the guys I was with had gotten a concussion at the beginning of September, he remembers the crash but it was his first mountain ride since. He's made similar comments about how you don't realize how fast your life can change in just a second. I rented one of our full suspension mountain bikes because I thought it might help to get some distance between my bike and I (like a trial separation) and my roommate wanted to try it and see if he should get a hardtail (he liked it and he probably will, if he ever buys a bike). I'm still not sold on them still or the seat that came on it. See I drove down from South Dakota that morning and didn't have time to go home and didn't want my roommate looking for my favorite pair of riding shorts (It might be more intimate than rifling through my knicker drawer, jury's still out). I didn't think it would be that bad because sometimes I commute without any padding (but I also have a stellar seat). Oh my goodness it was awful! I stood up out of the saddle for most of the climbing (which I realized it might make a good training tool). Afterwards we went to this hole-in-the-wall bar, which had wings as big as your fist. Most of our night rides revolve around getting dollar tacos in Boulder and wings by Green Mountain. It's not a bad way to plan rides.

I'm pleased to announce that I did not crash on any of those rides but don't worry I still have a cast on my arm.

When I went back to the doctor about my head I got good news that the amnesia I've been having, what with not being able to remember much of the past year is better than not being able to create and store new memories. She also put me on medication that has helped with traumatic brain injuries and is hoping that it will at least help a little bit (it would be nice to walk out of store and remember where I parked my car without having to set off the alarm). I have a 3 months supply of that which ironically is the time I can hit my head again, if there was going to be a time 6 months after is okay, a year is best. I also told her how I'm nervous to crash again, she used to race mountain bikes which is really handy and assured me that it would happen again, but it doesn't mean I'm going to hit my head again. She pointed out my crash to head hitting ratio and it's really pretty low. This was the first crash that I've really hit my head on. I did get beat up so much on a ride before college graduation I'm pretty sure my mom thought I had an abusive boyfriend, but I didn't hit my head at all on that ride. She then asked how my wrist was feeling and I told her I didn't have full range of motion or flexibility and it hasn't really improved and there is still some pain. She suggested taking X-Rays just to be safe (good thing I already met the deductible this year!) and found a fracture. It had been about 12 weeks (usually a bone heals in 6) but because I kept using it, it was healing much slower than usual. She gave me a brace to wear and sent me on my way. I wore it for the weekend which was good because I tripped when doing a night run and skinned my knee and landed right on it. I do enjoy the looks that often happen when blood is streaming down my leg... I went up to my parents early the next week to watch Mary's last volleyball game, but her team didn't make the playoffs so went and saw Heidi and mainly hung out with my Grandma and ate fortune cookies (Loon needs to come up with better fortunes). My doctor emailed me when I was up there saying that the radiologist had found an avulsion fracture and wanted me to come back in when I got back to town. I went back in and she used an ultra sound machine to get a better look. She thinks my ulna bone slammed into some of my wrist bones on impact creating the fractures. Good thing I don't remember because that definitely would have grossed me out enough to throw up. She decided since there were two fractures it would be better to cast it and really let it heal. Luckily it's water proof so I can still do swim workouts (that has yet to happen but I'll let you know if it survives!) She even molded it around handlebars so I can still ride, I am a little apprehensive about that as a kid in high school once blocked wrong and broke both his wrist at the same time..it doesn't really look like fun. I don't have too much trouble doing anything though except brushing my hair (I might just have dreads by the end) and getting out of my car and trying to put my jacket and not locking the keys inside....

Welcome to Wonderland

I told them readers would love this shot! Ha

I spend 2 days last week in Fruita for Trek Demo Days. It was pretty sweet, definitely a destination to go to ride. The day before we got there one of our trek reps was riding and fell and cracked the ball of his hip bone so I wasn't really sure what I'd be getting into. At the trailhead I turned to my roommate and said "I'm a little nervous, I don't want to crash." He replied, "you don't have to crash." Logic wins again. It was amusing because I did more riding in those 2 days than I have the past 3 months. It was a good nurturing environment to get back out there. I tried the Lush 29 which has larger sizing than the standard Lush and larger wheels. I definitely fit better on it than the Lush but still felt a little upright and didn't feel that it was aggressive enough but maybe that's because I wasn't being aggressive enough. I'm definitely still passive on descents but I don't think my mother is complaining. I also went on a road ride with the two Trek Demo Drivers, Josh and Erin and my roommate. I tried the new road bike the Domane which was a little bit more comfortable than the Madone line but still stiff and responsive. We only went about 90 minutes but I poked Erin's brain for a good portion on all things bikes and her job (she drives around the country teaching women to ride mountain bikes). I also got a flat which I'm glad it was only a flat because as it was happening I thought my front wheel had come lose and I was about to become roadkill. I tried 2 other mountain bikes, the Rumblefish Elite and the Superfly 100. I wasn't a fan of the Rumblefish, it seemed a little sluggish and I couldn't do a wheelie on it (which is a very important element in being able to show off to boys). The Superfly 100 is like the older brother to my bike and I didn't want to ride it because I didn't want to like it but boy oh boy did I. It was super light and super responsive and super fun. The only problem is that it's full suspension and I'm too young to be on one. I didn't crash the whole time I was there but I was climbing through a fence with barbed wire on it and my hips were sooo tight from riding my leg got stuck when I was halfway through and I jabbed it into one of the barbs, luckily someone was there to pick it off, otherwise I might have been stuck for a while. I got a nice cut and some bruising to go with it. If it's not one thing, it's another.

I got the best coffee of my life in St. Louis

I decided when I was in Fruita to go back and see my doctor. I just want to get checked out and make sure I'm still on the path to recovery. See the other day I was driving to work and missed my exit, because I couldn't remember where I needed to get off. I only drive that route almost everyday. I went to St. Louis for the weekend before Fruita and it was only when my mom called to let me know to check my debit card because there had been purchases made in Kansas and Missouri did I realize I forgot to tell her. I went to Redbox to rent a movie and forgot the movie. Now I know that these can all be chalked up to old age. The one that gets me though is I have a hard time remembering the past year. It's like I woke up thinking it was July 15, 2011 and have continued on from that date. I can't seem to get to 2012. It's like everything from July 15, 2011 to July 31, 2012 has been cut out and the time has been squished together. I do remember certain events especially when I read about them or someone mentions something but I can't place them on the time table without it feeling like it's in a dream. Wayne thinks I should just get more concussions that way I keep getting younger. I'm not expecting anything bad on the report just want to make sure it's relatively normal, maybe it's not a bad thing I forgot the past year. Ha 

Molly and Abe had a Halloween party on Friday night and they dressed up as the Red Queen and the Mad Hatter, so it was only fitting when they found a costume at the thrift store for 7 dollars for me to go as Alice. Molly and Abe go all out, it's actually really impressive and if you can make it to one of their parties you should definitely put it on your list of things to do before you die. All the big shots were there, Fred and Wilma; Mt. Dew; Breaking Amish; a Pumpkin; a Pirate; and a Gorilla (or one of the Beehlers, not Kathy or Heidi though). Saturday night my work was having a Halloween cruiser ride and the theme was Vikings (not the football team, although I did consider going as a Vikings Cheerleader). I decided it would be funny to go as a Viking Lego so spent on and off that day working on my costume but had a back up of an 80s prom queen outfit. I told one of my coworkers I wanted to be an 80s prom queen and he asked "for Halloween or just in life" I said both. I couldn't quite get the lego box to work and didn't want to half-ass it so decided to scratch it and rock the 80s so I did my hair but it just didn't feel right so I went as Alice again. I figured it was fitting because in the weeks leading up to Halloween I've been watching Alice in Wonderland and have found most days I feel like Alice. 

See in the movie the characters argue if it's "the right Alice" that has come to Wonderland, if she is after all the one that will fight the Jabberwocky. She goes through all these changes that causes discomfort and frustration she finds herself either too big or too small and struggles to maintain a normal size. She can't find logic or meaning in some of the situations she encounters and has do all these puzzles that prove to be rather meaningless or have no purpose. Most of the story takes place in Alice's dream where real world elements mix with her unconscious state. She faces pressures to conform to society's expectations but instead grows into a strong-willed, empowered heroine who decides her own fate. 

I think most 20-somethings can relate to Alice, here we are trying to figure out life and the curve balls it has thrown us which we might not ever know the logical reason for getting thrown them. Not to mention trying to figure out just what we want to do with our lives without succumbing to what we think others want us to be. I wrote down a list of all the careers I have ever thought of doing, even if just briefly and realize they only have one thing in common: Me. I'm not sure where that leads me but I'm not worried about it, since the accident I get a whole extra year of life. I also like the element of the dream state in Alice especially because it reminds me of the time when I was knocked out, minus the cat and queens, I haven't gotten quiet the same answers that Alice got...well at least not yet. So you can see why I thought it was fitting to be Alice both nights, well that and the bloomers were super comfy and when else can I get away with wearing them (except for next year when I'm Little Bo Peep).
 

One of the greatest pleasures of life is searching after one's own heart

Thy Will Be Done

My mom says that this is the hardest prayer to pray. It's not about what you want it's about what you need. Which when it comes to Leadville and life in general it can be a hard one. 

Two weeks ago my mom sent me an email to say my grandfather was going to be in surgery, a pretty routine surgery to remove plague from his artery. He had it done a few times before. I didn't think much of it and had a day off coming up so starting planning my first mountain bike ride. My mom called that night to tell me that surgery didn't exactly go as planned, instead of one piece of plague there were two and instead of taking an hour it took three. When he got out of surgery he suffered a stroke. It still didn't really hit me that it was bad, I've interned in hospitals and spent time in surgery wards and I have a lot of faith in the medical community. Especially because he was in a hospital when it happened so they could respond to it right away. Tuesday night I finished writing and painting my nails and had the next day off, I figured I would go ride up at Leadville because it might be the last week of nice weather. I got a call from my mom saying that they were making him comfortable, which is never what you want to hear. She said they were going to stop his dialysis, and that I should start praying that "thy will be done" because he's had a long good life and it's okay if it's his time to go. I asked her if I should come home, and she said she would never tell me not to but it was up to me. The decision weighed heavily on me to go back, I finally decided that I didn't want my last memory of him to be in the hospital, instead I would leave it with him sitting in his living room chair talking about Leadville with him. I decided to stick with my plan to go back to Leadville. 

Even with the back flexibility of Shawn Johnson this was still not comfortable

I went to ride the same route that I did the day I crashed, I knew if I didn't do it this season it would be harder to get back up there this spring, or on a bike for that matter. It's interesting though how this crash compares to the car crash, I really don't have any PTSD symptoms related to this one and I really think that it's because I have no memory of it so I'm not having to relive it every time a similar scenario happens like sometimes it does with cars. I knew I needed to tell someone where I was going but didn't want to add stress to my parents fretting about me being out there alone. I texted my roommate to tell him "I'm riding up at Columbine, if you haven't heard from me by 3 something bad happened." I rode without my Garmin and heart rate monitor and only a watch so I would know to check in by 3 but I don't want to get obsessive about numbers so figured I could do without the other things. Because my stem was bent I swapped it out but the only one I could find was a 75mm instead of my 90mm. It created quiet the neck-breaker geometry but I figured I would lower my seat on the way down this time. 

This is what did me in.....yah

"X" marks the spot!

I started riding and passed the campsite that I took shelter at on the day of the crash when it had started raining. Around the bend from that is actually where I crashed, it's embarrassing how uneventful the place is where I crashed. I didn't want to stop on the way up because it had only been about a mile so decided I would stop on the way down, this time by choice. I rode up to the top and stopped to walk around and lower my seat. I also ate a banana in case the crash was from diabetic shock (not that I'm diabetic but I've always been overly cautious of developing it, like one week in college I would wake up 2 or 3 times to pee at night and thought that I had it, I told Molly but she said to call her when I went into diabetic shock, I later realized I was just drinking an obnoxious amount of water, but still better to be safe). I started the way back down and was a little disappointed I didn't really have any flash back moments like they do in the movies (if only my life was scripted too...sigh) I stopped at the area of the crash and got off to walk around like I did in my dream. It was weirdly familiar, I sat on the log I did in my dream. I would have thought it really did happen that day but for the fact that some of the people that were in my dream have already died and some of the other people live miles away. (Kidding about the dead people being there, there was only one, but I don't think I'm crazy and I don't think I had an afterlife experience- I think my subconscious took note of my surroundings and then relayed them into my dream.) 

When I got done I checked in with my roommate he asked how it went, and I said good, pretty uneventful but it was good. He then asked, "Where is Columbine?" I said, "You know the place I crashed up at Leadville." Yah it's a good thing I survived- here I was trying to be responsible, next time I'll just leave GPS coordinates.

The next morning my mom was on the way to the hospital when she called to tell me my grandpa had passed on. I hadn't left for work yet so took some time to get somewhat composed (mainly wipe the makeup that had gone all over my face off) and then went off to work. My mom called me again when I was driving and told me there was a miscommunication and he wasn't dead (I'm really not sure how that gets lost in translation) by then she was at the hospital and was able to put the phone up to his ear so I could tell him I loved him. He passed on about an hour later, however, it was about another hour after that before they told me. I think they wanted to make sure it was for real this time, that's not exactly news you want to mess up....again...

I flew home 2 days later and stayed for about 5, which as horrible as it was it was nice to be with family and friends and spend some time up there. During the funeral I was sitting there thinking of all the things he had accomplished, he crammed a lot into 90 years, probably what it would take most to do in two or three lifetimes. The span of lives he touched is enormous and the legacy he leaves behind is what legends are made of. I sat there thinking I want to be like that, so I came to the conclusion that I should stop doing reckless things, so I at least have a shot at reaching 90, mainly just take up knitting, reading and the occasional crossword, nothing too crazy like Sudoku. It's one thing to die and leave your family when you're 90, but another to go when you're 23 because you crash riding your bike. I was all ready to hang up my helmets, retire from racing (haha) find a nice boy, finish my masters, and lay stake on a house with a white picket fence and call it good. After the burial we were loitering around and close to the last to leave I started walking back to the car with my mom when she put her arm around me and said "he loved hearing about all your adventures, even the ones that drove me crazy." Game on.

I don't think it's a coincidence that Leadville 2013 is on his birthday.

Everyone Has Their Own Destiny, but Not Everyone Chooses To Follow it

The circus is calling!

I haven't written in a while because I keep thinking I'm going to get back on my bike so I should wait till that happens. Well it's not so the least I can do is update you on my life now that the glitter has worn off from Disneyland. I thought I would ride when I went back to my parents last week, as H-town is pretty safe traffic wise and nothing really technical mountain. But I didn't want to go out by myself, it's not that I'm worried about crashing so much I'm worried about crashing by myself again and taking another 6 years off my parents lives as a result. So the only bikes I have been on at this point is my baby bike, which I ride around at work (it compliments the tall bike well) and helps to keep my hips loose (nothing like Mary Clair's "birthing hips" but pretty good for me). And my cruiser, well actually my roommates cruiser, mostly. I have the same one but mine is pink (although I'm sure Ross from Friends would argue it's "salmon") and his is silver and has black pegs so I usually take it so people think I'm a badass even when I wear a skirt (which I've actually found why they make women's bike with slopping toptubes, so do you don't flash someone when wearing a skirt and getting off your bike, those little life lessons that are rather important). He's not riding it much so I figure why not, all I need is a fake tattoo arm sleeve to give me real street credit. 

The most BAs you've ever seen right?

I know that I'm ready to bike though, like last time when I was sitting in Russian class and heard cmertb (death) and knew it was time to get back on the bike. Only this time it was a UPS guy who set me off. See I finally ordered a helmet specifically for mountain biking, it's black and I think it will serve me well. When he walked into the store with my box I was immediately overcome with excitement, so much so that I could not contain it and skipped up to meet him. I professed "I get to ride my bike now!" he didn't exactly share my enthusiasm. I figured that was a good sign. I also switched out my stem because it was bent, which threw the handlebars off. It made me feel better that there was some damage to the bike (I'm glad it wasn't a lot) like maybe I didn't sacrifice my body to save my bike but we were in the crash together. (Is it problematic how much I humanize my bikes?) Now I just have to ride. Stay tuned...

Let me fill you in on what has happened, and then hasn't. 
I bought a new computer...and then returned it.
I started class at DU...and then dropped it. 
See I bought the new computer because with going back to school Apple had a student promo. Nothing was terribly wrong with my computer, it's a little old and it's nickname in college was Terry, because if it's not plugged into a power outsource it dies...I know sooo inappropriate (but a little funny?). But nothing really wrong. And I returned it after I dropped my class, because I felt bad getting a discount and not being a student anymore....I really can't afford to do anything that compromises my karma these days. 
The class at DU was Global Health Affairs, which I'm really interested in but it didn't sit too well that it was in the International School and I would be required to get a masters in that field while only getting the certificate in GH. After having a lack-luster major in college I want to be excited about my Masters. I actually found a program at CU in the Public Health School that I'm really excited about and applied into that to start in the spring. 

I was also a little anxious about starting class as I still have some memory lapses and have some issues speaking that I'm hoping are the result of the concussion and not the fact that I'm getting old (I'm 2 years away from being a quarter done with my life). It takes me a little longer to formulate sentences that are fluid and I put abnormally awkward pauses in that would make Mrs. Rowley cringe. The only other repercussion that has seemed to linger, well not so much linger but more enhance a problem that was already there is my complete lack of direction. I still have no idea what streets run parallel and which are perpendicular to my house. I've had to dismiss phone calls to get on google maps and then only to find out I'm 2 blocks from my house. I'm not sure that will get better, but I wouldn't be upset if it did. 

I've also been running and swimming more. I really like swimming, well more like I like it after I'm done swimming but I would recommend it to everyone. Running is good I usually stick to 30-45 minutes but I'm not really time obsessive about anything these days so I just run until I don't want to anymore. Hopefully I don't end up like Forrest Gump. I was thinking the other night when I was running how when I couldn't run, biking was there for me and when biking is on pause, running is there. Maybe one day they'll both be on and I'll do a triathlon- HA! Because we all know how well I train for running events...

You will not regret this decision.

I've also been reading more (I don't know if anything can beat a book in a park). Recently I've read "How to be a Woman" by Caitlin Moran (pronounced Cat-lin, she misread a name when she was a kid and has kept it up for 27 years, as her real name is Catherine) and while I don't think I'm much closer to landing a date after finishing it, one thing she said stuck with me. She lives her life like there is no Heaven. Not that she doesn't believe in a higher being but rather she argues we get complacent because we believe there will be another chance waiting in Heaven. To make amends with someone, to tell them how you really feel, to have a second chance. We take life more like a waiting room for the bountiful feast that awaits on the other side. What if it's not waiting wouldn't that change how you lived? If we don't do it right this time, well have a chance to fix it on the other side. I was reminded of this when I was flipping through my photos when I was backing up Terry, and I saw all the pictures from my training rides, I rode in some beautiful scenery, but I'm not sure I ever really saw it. And then I realized I get to do it all again, better this time and I didn't have to die to get my second chance. I'm a pretty lucky girl.

And I can't wait.

Hakuna Matata

I had planned to write about suffering but I couldn't really get into a flow. I tried, really. For almost a week because I had come across this article about suffering and passion in bicycling magazine. Which spurred me into thinking about my brief relationship with Latin, because one of the few words I remember is Pati, which means suffer. (Maybe had I actually stuck with one language instead of taking 3 different ones I might remember more than a few words in each. It's like I met each one at a bar and after a brief encounter realized a long-term relationship wasn't worth pursuing...). The article says that suffering and passion both stem from the word Pati. It stated that "suffering is essential to the beauty and mystery of the sport." I really tried to jump on board with this article because I thought of all the times I suffered when I was riding-I was like finally, suffering! Yes! But suffering is something we create, a way to limit ourselves from the possibilities we think are too far out of reach. The word suffering to me conjures up this idea of pain, hurt, despair, not being able to eat for days, being ripped away from your family as a child sold into the sex slave, watching your father die from the rebels, that's suffering. But being on a bike isn't the same suffering, it's not a miserable state to be in it's a euphoric state where you realize you are on the cusp of greatness, even if it's just beating your time up the same hill you've done for years. And I don't think that those who can suffer the most on the bike are the best. Sure you can handle a little more lactic acid but it's more about their focus, their drive, that passion that keeps them going. It's their intent to why they are riding, because intent is really just the building blocks of the outcome. I think that's where I ran into problems because my intent for Leadville wasn't pure but I thought that by doing it, it would erase everything that had happened by getting hit by a car. Now going into it again, I have to figure out why I really want to do it, other than to be a badass.

Is this what I look like when I stand next to Frank?

California finally happened, which for the first day I kept smiling because I couldn't believe that I was finally there. We spent 4 days at the beach and 1 day at Disneyland. Being at the beach was delectable, being out there in the moment it was perfect. It's awe-inspiring to be in front of something that is so majestic and at the same time so destructible. I borrowed one of Mary Clair's swimsuits because it didn't have straps so I could work on removing those awesome tan lines I got in Vegas, it was great for working on my tan, not so much for boogie boarding. Luckily that was a day that not too many people were at the same beach. We also rented surf boards for 2 days, which I've never done before. My roommate brought his wetsuits so we wouldn't have to rent them. When he told me you don't wear a swimsuit with them I think I gave him the same look that my mom gave me when I told her you don't wear underwear with cycling shorts. Changing out of that into a swimsuit on the beach was definitely a challenge while trying to remain somewhat dignified and not exposing everything at once. It was like all my changing before my rides prepared me for that moment. Ha. My mom told me before she didn't want me to try surfing because she didn't want me to hit my head again, which is a valid concern, and which is why I'm only tell her now. Every time I would fall off I would hear her voice go, "not the head, not the head" and throw my arms over my head and lie underwater until I thought it was safe to come off without getting a surf board to the face. Surfing was pretty cool, at least the 2 times I stood up, most of the other time I was wrestling (mostly getting destroyed) by the waves while trying to stay laying down on the board. My old swim coaches, actually any of my old coaches would not be impressed with my lack of athleticism I showed in the water. I think anyone who saw me was amazed at how bad of a swimmer I was in the ocean. I would be 3 feet from the beach and get taken out from a wave.

Skipping into the Happiest Place on Earth

I don't know why they have cameras anyways...

Disneyland was magical. Everything I thought it would be and so much more. Jessie is a pro at going so knew how to coordinate all the rides so we could make the most out of our day. And we did. Tower of Terror, Splash Mountain, Space Mountain, Screamin' California, Soaring California, Toy Story Game, and the Tea Cup Ride, which I'm proud to say I did not throw up on this time. The pictures of us on the rides are pretty comical and almost always the same, My eyes are closed and I appear to be screaming, Jessie seems to be thoroughly enjoying herself, and my roommate looks so nonchalant it's like he's not even on a ride.  I was hoping to run into Cinderella, as she's my favorite princess, mainly because we have so much in common what with her falling down stairs, losing her things and having nothing good happening to her after midnight, that and we both believe a pair of shoes can change your life. Instead we saw Sleeping Beauty, so I took my picture with her even though I'm not a fan of the fact that she fell asleep only to marry the first guy that came along when she woke up. But I guess it worked out as they lived Happily Ever After.

The only bike I've been on so far is my cruiser. I have to check in with people when I leave and when I get home because they don't trust me to be able to ride 3 miles by myself and be okay, but I'm sure my mom appreciates that fact. I still need to find a helmet. I know that part of me not getting one is not finding one that really fits me, but I also know that part of it is that I won't have an excuse to not ride anymore. I'm not so much scared of getting back on my bike and riding but just at how fast everything can happen. Needless to say I'm not planning any solo rides. I haven't given Leadville too much thought because there is no point in letting it consume my life at this point. I am thinking about getting a Scott bike for next year though. It's a girl specific bike, which is probably why I want it but the resale market would be so small that I'd have to commit to keeping to for a while so I'm not sure about that. Plus I'm bonded with my bike now so I'm not sure I want to go through that again, because I'm getting a little old to be sleeping in the back of my car with bikes. At least it's bikes and not boys.

Mirror, Mirror

I've always prized myself on having a good memory (not nearly as good as Heidi's but it's been pretty sufficient). Almost to the point where it's embarrassingly good (I'm not bragging, it's the truth) where I've had to pretend multiple times not to know someone because I met them once two years ago as they were passing by and knew my friend, why they could forget me I'm not sure. But now it's gone, although I'm told it will return but I'm not sure when. Not to fret, as it's not completely gone but my short term memory seems to be well short-circuiting at the moment. It's a really weird state to be in actually. Last Sunday after my parents left I ended up just lounging around and watching 3 movies, by Monday I could only remember 2 and by Tuesday only 1. The only movie I remembered the whole week watching was The Vow, which is actually ironic because in it (spoiler alert!) she loses her memory of the past 5 years (I'm not sure what would have been worse, waking up not remembering the past 5 years or waking up only being able to speak Russian, both would have been entertaining though, at least to Frank and MC, not my parents). Friday night I was driving and started to put on chapstick and it was a deja vu moment where I suddenly remembered watching Mirror, Mirror because in it Julia Roberts gets stung on the lips by bees and then immediately the entire movie came back to me. It's the most bizarre thing to have no recollection of any of the movie for almost a week and then you are bombarded with so many scenes from the movie you wonder how you were ever able to forget.

This was on our table the night before Leadville

I do remember Leadville though. I woke up at 4:30 so that we would be able to leave at 5 (I talked my dad and Frank into coming the night before). I got dressed, all bandaged up and then realized it was just my dad and I, as Frank decided not to wake up. We got to the first aid station, which is at about mile 10 and then mile 90 on the way back. We started making PB&J's and putting oranges, bananas, and m&ms out, along with water and GU Brew (guess I know what my training food is now!). One of the guys said we wouldn't need any food as no one stops. He was right. Only a handful of people stopped and it was mainly ones that had to use the bathroom or they had mechanical issues. One guy came through yelling if anyone had a helmet and was willing to pay $200. The one time I don't have one in my car, it figures. Luckily one of the volunteers did and he took it. He said it fell off about a mile earlier and I'm not sure why the option of riding without one (which warrants being disqualified) overruled the option of stopping and picking it up. I guess in the heat of the moment his critical thinking skills didn't exactly think that one through. Two guys snapped their rear derailleurs off and were out of the race, so I need to make a note to pack an extra one of those (this is only funny if you realize the ridiculousness of trying to put on a new derailleur in the midst of a race). 

Definitely not what I thought I'd be wearing

I felt a little weird being there though, because a lot of the people that were volunteering were doing so to try and get into the race next year. Some of them had even raced previous years and didn't get in this year. I didn't want to tell anyone that I was actually suppose to be racing but instead got a medical deferral. At that point I looked pretty normal (minus the bandages on my hand) and acted pretty normal that I was afraid they were going to judge me for not racing. I know it was silly but I think part of me was judging myself for not racing, even though it would have been a shit show if I had. Some of them asked me if I was going to try and get into the race for next year, my response was usually more of an open to interpretation, "Uh, well see, one of my friends is all about is and so I thought I'd come and check it out." You know when you have a problem and you try to tell your parents but really it's like, "Well, uh you see my friend has this problem..." that was what I felt like. I was definitely able to get a better feel for the race (one guy eats baby food) and it's not as serious as I thought it would be, it's definitely a race but one lady had ribbons on her helmet, and I realized it was probably a lot of wasted energy to try and figure out what to wear. 

It was a long day when I got home from the race, my parents had taken me to get a bed frame and without thinking I thought my bed was a full (I've only had it for a year...) and so we got a full bed frame only to have my dad and Frank put it together and realize that my bed was a queen. And then I just started crying, not even that stifling, just a tear running down, I have something in my eye, this is a sad movie crying. But full on, not breathing, sobbing, my dog just died crying. My dad said, "Don't worry, I'll go change it out, we'll get the right bed frame." I just replied, "It's not about the bed" it never is. My mom took me aside, mainly so Frank would stop telling me it was okay, people buy the wrong beds alllllll the time. She told me that it was okay to grieve for the life I thought I was going to have, even though it's just a small bump (and not a huge detour) having her say that made me realize that for the past 6 months I never once considered not finishing an option. I always saw myself going down that red carpet into the finish. I didn't even fathom not starting, it didn't even cross my mind that it could be a possibility. I had been so careful to try and not get sick in the weeks leading up to it, not riding any technical single track, so that I would be 100% on race day. The biggest thing I have to get over is not being able to remember the crash, for something that I'll never be able to remember...it's hard to forget. 

I was cleared to exercise this week, which was interesting. I went to the gym because I thought it would be good to be in a controlled environment so I got on the elliptical, which I've never really understood the purpose of that machine. Who are these people that actually use it? It's a pretty humbling experience though, not as bad as when I had to learn to walk again, on the treadmill and going about 2.7mph. I let what I thought people thought of me dictate what I thought of me (did you follow that). The fact that I was only going 20 minutes on the elliptical, in my mind people were saying she's not an athlete, but that's what I was thinking about myself. It's a good lesson to learn though, seeing my insecurities in what I think others are thinking of me (which I let happen at the race). I'm working on it. It took a couple of minutes to get over it at the gym, and the ridiculousness of that machine, have you ever tried that thing? It's really quiet awkward, I had no idea what to do with my arms the whole time- do I use the "trekking poles" do I put them on the place that it takes heart rate, do I just put them at my side? If someone could fill me in that would be great. And it helped that The Real Housewives of New Jersey was on, their problems are soooo much worse than everyone's. I'm not sure when I'll start biking, soon I hope, I just need to find a new helmet and I'm actually, surprisingly, really picky about that. I really liked my helmet, like a lot. It was a good weight, amazing color, great fit, it looked good on me, all the things you want in a good man...er helmet. I've found a couple of contenders but I have to order one and then figure out the whole biking thing. I want to go back to Leadville and ride the route I did when I crashed, and crush it. But that probably won't be my first ride out. I'll keep you posted, if nothing else at this point I have a reason to keep writing. 

I had the house to myself this past week. My parents left on Sunday and my roommate left for the week last Monday. I didn't tell my parents that he left because then I'm pretty sure they would have stayed. As much as I appreciated my mom taking care of me (and I really did because I think I would have rushed back sooner than I did and it would have taken a lot longer to feeling as good as I am now) it was nice having a little down time. The only problem I ran into was when I got home from dropping my roomie off at the airport I went to paint my nails and realized that since my left hand still wasn't able to grip I couldn't get any of my nail polish open. I tried everything, putting the bottle behind my knee, between my knees, holding it with my toes. Luckily I found a small little sample bottle that I could open with my finger tips because it wasn't shut tight- so the week wasn't as long as it could have been. Only once did I have to go ask my neighbor how to turn on the stove.....those critical thinking skills are slowly coming back.