I've always prized myself on having a good memory (not nearly as good as Heidi's but it's been pretty sufficient). Almost to the point where it's embarrassingly good (I'm not bragging, it's the truth) where I've had to pretend multiple times not to know someone because I met them once two years ago as they were passing by and knew my friend, why they could forget me I'm not sure. But now it's gone, although I'm told it will return but I'm not sure when. Not to fret, as it's not completely gone but my short term memory seems to be well short-circuiting at the moment. It's a really weird state to be in actually. Last Sunday after my parents left I ended up just lounging around and watching 3 movies, by Monday I could only remember 2 and by Tuesday only 1. The only movie I remembered the whole week watching was The Vow, which is actually ironic because in it (spoiler alert!) she loses her memory of the past 5 years (I'm not sure what would have been worse, waking up not remembering the past 5 years or waking up only being able to speak Russian, both would have been entertaining though, at least to Frank and MC, not my parents). Friday night I was driving and started to put on chapstick and it was a deja vu moment where I suddenly remembered watching Mirror, Mirror because in it Julia Roberts gets stung on the lips by bees and then immediately the entire movie came back to me. It's the most bizarre thing to have no recollection of any of the movie for almost a week and then you are bombarded with so many scenes from the movie you wonder how you were ever able to forget.
|This was on our table the night before Leadville|
|Definitely not what I thought I'd be wearing|
It was a long day when I got home from the race, my parents had taken me to get a bed frame and without thinking I thought my bed was a full (I've only had it for a year...) and so we got a full bed frame only to have my dad and Frank put it together and realize that my bed was a queen. And then I just started crying, not even that stifling, just a tear running down, I have something in my eye, this is a sad movie crying. But full on, not breathing, sobbing, my dog just died crying. My dad said, "Don't worry, I'll go change it out, we'll get the right bed frame." I just replied, "It's not about the bed" it never is. My mom took me aside, mainly so Frank would stop telling me it was okay, people buy the wrong beds alllllll the time. She told me that it was okay to grieve for the life I thought I was going to have, even though it's just a small bump (and not a huge detour) having her say that made me realize that for the past 6 months I never once considered not finishing an option. I always saw myself going down that red carpet into the finish. I didn't even fathom not starting, it didn't even cross my mind that it could be a possibility. I had been so careful to try and not get sick in the weeks leading up to it, not riding any technical single track, so that I would be 100% on race day. The biggest thing I have to get over is not being able to remember the crash, for something that I'll never be able to remember...it's hard to forget.
I was cleared to exercise this week, which was interesting. I went to the gym because I thought it would be good to be in a controlled environment so I got on the elliptical, which I've never really understood the purpose of that machine. Who are these people that actually use it? It's a pretty humbling experience though, not as bad as when I had to learn to walk again, on the treadmill and going about 2.7mph. I let what I thought people thought of me dictate what I thought of me (did you follow that). The fact that I was only going 20 minutes on the elliptical, in my mind people were saying she's not an athlete, but that's what I was thinking about myself. It's a good lesson to learn though, seeing my insecurities in what I think others are thinking of me (which I let happen at the race). I'm working on it. It took a couple of minutes to get over it at the gym, and the ridiculousness of that machine, have you ever tried that thing? It's really quiet awkward, I had no idea what to do with my arms the whole time- do I use the "trekking poles" do I put them on the place that it takes heart rate, do I just put them at my side? If someone could fill me in that would be great. And it helped that The Real Housewives of New Jersey was on, their problems are soooo much worse than everyone's. I'm not sure when I'll start biking, soon I hope, I just need to find a new helmet and I'm actually, surprisingly, really picky about that. I really liked my helmet, like a lot. It was a good weight, amazing color, great fit, it looked good on me, all the things you want in a good man...er helmet. I've found a couple of contenders but I have to order one and then figure out the whole biking thing. I want to go back to Leadville and ride the route I did when I crashed, and crush it. But that probably won't be my first ride out. I'll keep you posted, if nothing else at this point I have a reason to keep writing.
I had the house to myself this past week. My parents left on Sunday and my roommate left for the week last Monday. I didn't tell my parents that he left because then I'm pretty sure they would have stayed. As much as I appreciated my mom taking care of me (and I really did because I think I would have rushed back sooner than I did and it would have taken a lot longer to feeling as good as I am now) it was nice having a little down time. The only problem I ran into was when I got home from dropping my roomie off at the airport I went to paint my nails and realized that since my left hand still wasn't able to grip I couldn't get any of my nail polish open. I tried everything, putting the bottle behind my knee, between my knees, holding it with my toes. Luckily I found a small little sample bottle that I could open with my finger tips because it wasn't shut tight- so the week wasn't as long as it could have been. Only once did I have to go ask my neighbor how to turn on the stove.....those critical thinking skills are slowly coming back.